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PLS HELP! Does this sound silly or good?
Personal Essay: Help correct introduction for SVA PLS?
Could someone please help correct my introduction for the School of Visual Arts. How could I make it better?. Is it a great start? Brutal serious honesty is preffered. Thank you

Q:

In 500 words or less, discuss your reasons for pursuing undergraduate study in the visual arts. Feel free to include any information about yourself, your goals and interests that may not be immediately apparent from the review of your transcripts or portfolio
I was born in Togo, West Africa, in a place where life is valued differently compared to most areas of the Western world. It has its own radiating culture and spirit expressed through various forms of art but it is also a place full of suffering and struggle. Growing up without most ‘normal’ things a guy would have and being an only guy I often occupied myself exploring nature or drawing. Drawing to me was my meditation, a time where the past and the future was a blur and only being in the present mattered, a blissful state where I found my true self and was allowed to explore it as well as express it.
Coming from a family which constitutes its own little world, encompassing several nationalities and wherein we communicate freely in English, Spanish and French I was very privileged to have the chance to travel. As I grew up a traveler, studying in different countries not only has made me more self-reliant, mature and disciplined but also very knowledgeable in many areas of the arts. Visiting museums, galleries and meeting local artists in places ranging from China, Rwanda to Venice each with their own impactful contribution to the art world I have been able to teach myself and explore its interesting world always with the notion of questioning “What is art?”
As an artist I’ve struggled many times minimizing detail and simplifying my work, there is always so much I want to say, so much I’d like to tell the viewer. Conveying emotion is my passion in art, creating art that speaks to the heart as well as forces oneself to question the self, the elements and/or society. I have a strong interest in learning in a more studious detailed way its craft, its history and how I could gear my knowledge and skill towards a professional career. While thoroughly researching about universities across the globe and taking continuing-ed courses at SVA during my year off from school to gain work experience in NYC SVA is most definitely my match.
The imagination of an artist and how they unfold it in the physical is incredibly fascinating to me. Being able to creatively convey a visual representation and interpret an idea is always a challenge. This is why I’d like to pursue a career in being a concept artist/ illustrator to challenge myself and by professors at SVA who will help me help myself get to my dream.
Coming back to the question of “What is Art”? It is everything and it is anything. If what you can imagine can be turned into art then what is thought in the mind itself is an art already the only thing is once it’s formed into the physical that’s when a world of ultimate fascination and communication opens up. It is who brings it out of the mind and births part of their soul- their idea that they are then called an artist. I’d like to be fully engaged in this world of fascination and talent and become a true artist at SVA.

just try to avoid using the word "normal" even if in brackets. there's nothing in the world that could be seen as normal to anyone. it's all relative!
and i would avoid to describe Togo as a place full of struggle, pain and so on: let's give it back its pride! are you really sure you (and i) live in the best part of the world? do you think we are better than eastern and southern people? is our life happier than theirs? i won't say so :)
just try to describe places not by giving your personal opinion, but be objective: that would give your essay a smarter tone.

HELP! need great writers to correct this! PLS PLS?
PLS HELP! Does this sound silly or good?
Could someone please help correct my essay for the School of Visual Arts. How could I make it better?. Is it a good? Brutal serious honesty is preffered. Thank you

Q:

In 500 words or less, discuss your reasons for pursuing undergraduate study in the visual arts. Feel free to include any information about yourself, your goals and interests that may not be immediately apparent from the review of your transcripts or portfolio
I was born in Togo, West Africa, in a place where life is valued differently compared to most areas of the Western world. It has its own radiating culture and spirit expressed through various forms of art but it is also a place full of suffering and struggle. Growing up without most ‘normal’ things a guy would have and being an only guy I often occupied myself exploring nature or drawing. Drawing to me was my meditation, a time where the past and the future was a blur and only being in the present mattered, a blissful state where I found my true self and was allowed to explore it as well as express it.
Coming from a family which constitutes its own little world, encompassing several nationalities and wherein we communicate freely in English, Spanish and French I was very privileged to have the chance to travel. As I grew up a traveler, studying in different countries not only has made me more self-reliant, mature and disciplined but also very knowledgeable in many areas of the arts. Visiting museums, galleries and meeting local artists in places ranging from China, Rwanda to Venice each with their own impactful contribution to the art world I have been able to teach myself and explore its interesting world always with the notion of questioning “What is art?”
As an artist I’ve struggled many times minimizing detail and simplifying my work, there is always so much I want to say, so much I’d like to tell the viewer. Conveying emotion is my passion in art, creating art that speaks to the heart as well as forces oneself to question the self, the elements and/or society. I have a strong interest in learning in a more studious detailed way its craft, its history and how I could gear my knowledge and skill towards a professional career. While thoroughly researching about universities across the globe and taking continuing-ed courses at SVA during my year off from school to gain work experience in NYC SVA is most definitely my match.
The imagination of an artist and how they unfold it in the physical is incredibly fascinating to me. Being able to creatively convey a visual representation and interpret an idea is always a challenge. This is why I’d like to pursue a career in being a concept artist/ illustrator to challenge myself and by professors at SVA who will help me help myself get to my dream.
Coming back to the question of “What is Art”? It is everything and it is anything. If what you can imagine can be turned into art then what is thought in the mind itself is an art already the only thing is once it’s formed into the physical that’s when a world of ultimate fascination and communication opens up. It is who brings it out of the mind and births part of their soul- their idea that they are then called an artist. I’d like to be fully engaged in this world of fascination and talent and become a true artist at SVA.

Your essay sounds great so far, but I do have some suggestions. To make these suggestions easier to understand, I have copied your essay and put the suggestions near the places that the suggestions are mentioning.
______________________________________…

I was born in Togo, West Africa, in a place where life is valued differently compared to most areas of the Western world. It has its own radiating culture and spirit expressed through various forms of art but it is also a place full of suffering and struggle. Growing up without most ‘normal’ things a guy would have and being an only guy I often occupied myself exploring nature or drawing. Drawing to me was my meditation, a time where the past and the future was a blur and only being in the present mattered, a blissful state where I found my true self and was allowed to explore it as well as express it.

(Suggestion) At the beginning of the essay, you mention that drawing is blissful and your meditation. Instead of only mentioning this, maybe you could, at the beginning of your essay, write a descriptive instance of your experience when you draw. It does not have to be very long. One paragraph may be all that you need. This may help capture the reader's attention better.

Coming from a family which constitutes its own little world, encompassing several nationalities and wherein we communicate freely in English, Spanish and French I was very privileged to have the chance to travel. As I grew up a traveler, studying in different countries not only has made me more self-reliant, mature and disciplined but also very knowledgeable in many areas of the arts. Visiting museums, galleries and meeting local artists in places ranging from China, Rwanda to Venice each with their own impactful contribution to the art world I have been able to teach myself and explore its interesting world always with the notion of questioning “What is art?”

(Suggestion) After you mention the question, "What is art?", you mention struggling with simplifying your work. Then, you answer that question. You might want to answer that question right away instead of "sidetracking" to another topic. This may make your essay easier to read and avoid confusion.

As an artist I’ve struggled many times minimizing detail and simplifying my work, there is always so much I want to say, so much I’d like to tell the viewer. Conveying emotion is my passion in art, creating art that speaks to the heart as well as forces oneself to question the self, the elements and/or society. I have a strong interest in learning in a more studious detailed way its craft, its history and how I could gear my knowledge and skill towards a professional career. While thoroughly researching about universities across the globe and taking continuing-ed courses at SVA during my year off from school to gain work experience in NYC SVA is most definitely my match.

(Suggestion) Are these your goals? If these are your goals, them maybe you could emphasize that these are your goals.

The imagination of an artist and how they unfold it in the physical is incredibly fascinating to me. Being able to creatively convey a visual representation and interpret an idea is always a challenge. This is why I’d like to pursue a career in being a concept artist/ illustrator to challenge myself and by professors at SVA who will help me help myself get to my dream.

(Suggestion) The above information sounds like the ending of an essay. Maybe this information could go at the end of your essay.

Coming back to the question of “What is Art”? It is everything and it is anything. If what you can imagine can be turned into art then what is thought in the mind itself is an art already the only thing is once it’s formed into the physical that’s when a world of ultimate fascination and communication opens up. It is who brings it out of the mind and births part of their soul- their idea that they are then called an artist. I’d like to be fully engaged in this world of fascination and talent and become a true artist at SVA.
______________________________________…

Overall, this is a great essay! You use very descriptive words, which may be to your advantage, especially since this is for the School of Visual Arts.

I wish you the best of luck!

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Semi-Gory Novel Excerpt: I'd Like Some Opinions, Please!?
Here's the link:

electricalchemy.deviantart.com/ga…

There's probably grammatical errors (yeah, even a Creative-Writing tutor can make them), but this is the first-draft, so I don't plan on publishing this as it presently is.

Feel free to read my other novel excerpts, poems, etc.

NOTE: This isn't the goriest thing I've written, but some people may still find it offensive. If you don't like this excerpt, I suggest you don't read my other excerpts with the Mature Content Filter on them because they're worse.

I would, but I'm not 18 yet, so I can't. Sorry.